Disenfranchised Grief

What is Disenfranchised Grief and could I be experiencing it?

Any kind of loss can be extremely painful; however, some losses are (unfortunately) made to feel less significant than others by society in general. These lesser-acknowledged losses which do not get the same scale of attention or sympathy as other forms of loss are known as disenfranchised grief. This form of grief was coined by grief researcher Ken Doka in 1989, however, this term is still relatively unknown. Disenfranchised grief does not always occur when a death is involved; an end of a relationship that you weren’t expecting or those struggling with fertility often experience this type of grief.

Media from Wix

Doka introduced 3 different forms of disenfranchised grief:

The relationship isn’t acknowledged, for example, an unborn baby that has been miscarried or terminated.

The loss itself isn’t recognised, for example, someone grieving the loss of a relationship breakdown, such as the end of a romantic relationship or a friendship. It is often the case that losing a job isn’t recognised as a significant loss.

The griever is not acknowledged.

This may occur when someone is deemed ‘too young’ by others to comprehend the enormity of the loss, or an ex-partner or spouse of the deceased.

When it comes to disenfranchised grief, people are refused the catharsis that shared or socially understood grief brings. This shared catharsis may come in the form of actions of love and kindness, such as friends and family calling to check in with you, sympathising with your loss and making themselves available to help you in your time of need. When society does not recognise your loss as significant, quite often you don’t receive the same attention or sympathy as others.

If you have experienced a loss that you feel has not been fully recognised or understood by others, you may be experiencing a disenfranchised grief.

Implications of disenfranchised grief:

Loneliness and isolation

When you are not met with the warmth and compassion you need and may have expected, and others do not show an understanding of what you are going through, immense feelings of loneliness and isolation can be evoked which in turn is likely to results in a considerable impact on your mental health.

Questioning your own feelings

It Is possible that, when those around you show no consideration or acknowledgement to the significance or enormity of your grief, you may start to question the legitimacy of your feelings and the right you have to grieve your loss. This is a similar feeling to that which occurs when someone feels ‘gaslighted’; you are left questioning yourself and may feel you are being unreasonable or overreacting, when, you are not.

Depression

It isn’t uncommon for those experiencing disenfranchised grief to begin to experience a profound low mood and fall into a ‘dark place’. These feelings can be frightening, especially when it seems they are not justified in the eyes of others.

How to deal with disenfranchised grief?

Acknowledge and validate your loss (even though others may not)

Your loss is valid. Remind yourself you are entitled to feel what you feel, no matter how those around you may be reacting.

Give yourself space

You are entitled to grieve, so give yourself space and time to feel these difficult feelings.

Educate friends and family

It may be that those around you simply don’t understand the impact of your loss. It may help to educate people about disenfranchised grief (however don’t feel the need to ‘explain yourself’!).

Speak to a professional

Speaking to a qualified Counsellor or Psychotherapist can support you in processing the difficult feelings that are coming up for you within a safe a containing space. It may be a good idea to look for a therapist who has knowledge and understanding of this form of grief, enabling you to gain further insight into yourself and the reasons behind what you are experiencing.